Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Women and voice continued

Esta, yes this is just what I am going through. I too started writing with poetry, first published at the age of 12, albiet a poem about my horse (who was then my four-legged safehouse). But it was the beginning of a journey that has taken me until my near 40th year to come to grips with and just begin to understand. (I guess I am a late bloomer).

And it has taken the Internet to rekindle this voice that I buried for so long. Now that it has been unleashed, I am changing physically, emotionally, and spriritually on so many levels it's frightening to me. Who am I? I thought I knew. Happy to remain in the background. Anxious of the unknown. Secure with my own fears. These things were familiar, if not healthy. And suddenly, I find myself staring into an abyss that was me, and my heart is broken, my head is spinning, I am liberated and terrified at once. I write, I change. I change, I write. Blogging is the tool this day--setting free prose and poetry and words and emotions I had lost touch with, thought better left untouched.

In some ways, this is all so uncomfortable, and in other ways, it's so natural.

And I still don't think most men bloggers are going through this same thing. I would love to understand their journeys but few tap into where they have been in relation to where they are headed. Mike Golby does. And Marek does, to name two. And to me, their journeys are different from ours. They speak in more global terms--they seek to fix the world, while I seek to fix myself; they carry into their blogging global burdens and prescriptions for the future, while I focus on personal burdens, mainly from the past. Their release is often violent and outwardly chaotic. My release is one of inner turmoil, and my journey stems from the inside outward.

The cultural and gender implications in blogging and burgeoining voice--that I once thought were bull--may in fact be astounding.

No wonder my head is spinning.

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