Friday, December 03, 2004

DOMINANCE?

I'm still taking time out, to devote time and energy to the "other" things in my life, but the familiar yearnings are stirring, the faint longings for some Dominant authority are here.

Compartmentalizing my life into pigeonholes, in order to best manage this interest and not pay too high a cost in my well-ordered world, is an imperative. It does not overlap into any other part of my existence, like a foreign and separate thing; I must mentally and emotionally journey to "this place" in order to partake of it, play, scene, experience. Unlike many I know, I'm just not willing to confuse my worlds...nor am I willing to make any changes. It is, at times, dissociative. I wonder at that. What price, this lifestyle? What cost, my kink?

The vanilla ones I've confessed to -- I've lost ground. I can feel the chasm widening, the invisible divide yawning and separating, cementing into a permanent crack. It is the silent withdrawing that comes from being different. I see it and can do nothing more than watch. How do I let J know that I miss her, that I am becoming invisible, that she moves with different tides and that it can't ever be the same? Like seeking out like isn't what I'd imagined for lifetime friendships. If I'm honest, though, it isn't JUST my kink....

One foot in, one foot out, I find it harder going when the worlds collide. Compartmentalizing it seems a less chaotic way of experiencing it all. None of my "kinky" friends crossover into my non-kink world...and vice versa. Except James.

Ah, James...

He is simultaneously, confusion, an aggravation, a frustration, an outlet, a lover, friend...Dominant? Disciplinarian? I wasn't prepared for him or his presence in my life. Foolish me. But no matter how uneasiliy I allow him access into all my worlds....He is a a gift. My gift...I belong to him, naturally, easily, fluidly...even though that knowledge dismays me.

I cannot imagine a world without Him.

Odd that one so easy going, polar opposites to my fiery and intense nature...He has the ability to bring me to heel without being the Ogre Dominant (that which I despise and loathe and cannot respect nor submit to). Without crushing me or my spirit, He has managed to provide the barest of fences for me. I am not an easy submissive soul. I am....at times...impossible.

I wasn't prepared for anyone, reluctantly acknowledging this kink even to myself...grudgingly accepting and anguishing over my need, creating vulnerable need. Polyamory or infidelity, whatever. There are no adequate labels. I know that I am lucky, to have two intelligent, strong souls...loving me. Each, so very different, laying claims to different parts of me. One anchors me while the other sets me free. I make no apologies -- both know of the other, each support and encourage and accept the limits I have.

I am lucky.

It shouldn't surprise me to have what I need, to be my own determinant. I cannot make apologies for the gaps in my life, my hubris which allows me to grab for those things forbidden and unsafe. I find, in my fettered ties....I am free. Without compromise, without apology, without second thoughts. Simply, I am an inconvenient woman. Yet, I am free. However, with that freedom comes a price tag -- and I will spend forever paying my debt to both. It is enough?

For over two years now, I've been challenged by James -- it has never been easy to love me, nor me to love in return. Need is not a word that sits well in my lingo. There are days when I feel the burdensome weight of it all, like Atlas carrying the weight of the world on his broad shoulders. I have, by turns, spurned, denied, tested fences, dared, challenged, behaved outrageously. I have come undone. In this one laid back soul, I have perhaps, met my Dominant equal? Even if my direct cognitive brain seeks an outwardly Dominant Authoritarian, perhaps, the one I seek would have broken me or failed me by now....

Well-read soul that I am, I keep looking and checking for the similiarities of my story to...anyone else's. Trite, that. He has never stepped on me, crushed me, broken me, even though, perversely, I try to get him to. Control is an interesting game. Have I been underestimating this all along?

Perhaps the Dominance I seek...isn't so readily packaged nor recognized, brand-labelled? Perhaps, Dominance, at least what works for me, cannot be brutal, overpowering, direct....perhaps, it is quiet, reasonable but implacable, rational, calm? I don't have many rules, yet I sought them out, wondering why He won't provide me with what I 'know' is a standard expectation in the kink?

Is it Dominance, to be ruled and tamed by the heart, rather than the lash? Is respect first gained from the heart -- outward? Can one tame with a soft word, a look? Can one be humorous, gentle, loving -- and still be Dominant to...ME?


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