"Straight-laced New England Pilgrim Lady Blogger"? Yeah, right!
Halley Suitt's candid and candied comments to probing interviewer Frank Paynter prove that she's anything but.
Paynter's latest interview of the blog's most fascinating women (heh -- that's my arrogant editorial sidebar, so don't attribute that to Frank) is a portrait of Halley that reveals her complex, creative, productive human mind, her wittingly raunchy female soul, and her attitude toward body that -- well, go and enjoy the view yourself. Move over ol' Madonna and Britney. We've got our own Madonna of the Blog.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
What Weren't We Discussing about Andrea Yates?
An article by that title in the current Free Inquiry's online version forces a look at "The elephant in the middle of the room to which no one paid attention in the Andrea Yates case..."
It's the issue of birth control, and the author goes on to say this:
What he could have done, of course, as is tragically apparent, was to wear a condom. But that wasn't enunciated in all the Monday-morning quarterbacking that went on after the verdict and sentencing. What no one seemed to discuss, perhaps because doing so would not be politically correct, was the exact nature of the religious ideas that Andrea and her husband had adopted. Russell Yates was seemingly a man of the nineties, if not the twenty-first century-a National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) computer engineer at Houston's Johnson Space Center. But computers and engineering did not inform the couple's lifestyle. Until Andrea attempted suicide twice after the birth of their fourth son in 1999, the family lived in a converted bus. Russell then moved the family into a house, and it was decided that Andrea should home-school their children. He has been quoted as saying that they wanted to live "a simple traditional life" and that they wanted to avoid "social integration." (Neighbors who got him to bring the three oldest boys to a birthday party the weekend before the killing told a reporter that it was the first time they had met the Yateses since they moved into their house two years before.) The whole article is worth reading.
As blog conversations continue about gender issues at burningbird's and other sites, I just keep running across more and more situations where women are suffering under the partriarchal thumbs of clueless men. I think it's interesting that, although Frank Paynter has put out a call to interested men, challenging them to (as an email from Marek J. suggested) " a conversation behind the conversation" on men's attitudes toward women, only few male bloggers have demonstrated any interest in pursuing that topic. I find that very disappointing. If not you blogguys, than who?
An article by that title in the current Free Inquiry's online version forces a look at "The elephant in the middle of the room to which no one paid attention in the Andrea Yates case..."
It's the issue of birth control, and the author goes on to say this:
What he could have done, of course, as is tragically apparent, was to wear a condom. But that wasn't enunciated in all the Monday-morning quarterbacking that went on after the verdict and sentencing. What no one seemed to discuss, perhaps because doing so would not be politically correct, was the exact nature of the religious ideas that Andrea and her husband had adopted. Russell Yates was seemingly a man of the nineties, if not the twenty-first century-a National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) computer engineer at Houston's Johnson Space Center. But computers and engineering did not inform the couple's lifestyle. Until Andrea attempted suicide twice after the birth of their fourth son in 1999, the family lived in a converted bus. Russell then moved the family into a house, and it was decided that Andrea should home-school their children. He has been quoted as saying that they wanted to live "a simple traditional life" and that they wanted to avoid "social integration." (Neighbors who got him to bring the three oldest boys to a birthday party the weekend before the killing told a reporter that it was the first time they had met the Yateses since they moved into their house two years before.) The whole article is worth reading.
As blog conversations continue about gender issues at burningbird's and other sites, I just keep running across more and more situations where women are suffering under the partriarchal thumbs of clueless men. I think it's interesting that, although Frank Paynter has put out a call to interested men, challenging them to (as an email from Marek J. suggested) " a conversation behind the conversation" on men's attitudes toward women, only few male bloggers have demonstrated any interest in pursuing that topic. I find that very disappointing. If not you blogguys, than who?
www.blogsisters.com
Hey Sisters. Wanted to let you know that if it's easier to type in www.blogsisters.com, you now can and you'll arrive here. I have web-forwarding on the domain, which leads to our very doorstep. Enjoy! -jeneane
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
The Crone Has Flown
I invite you all to check out my old blog and see my final goodbye to Blogger. And then pop over and let me know what you think of my new MT site (thanks to b!X's Spartaneity Project).
I invite you all to check out my old blog and see my final goodbye to Blogger. And then pop over and let me know what you think of my new MT site (thanks to b!X's Spartaneity Project).
Tune in to Locke
Chris Locke did a segment on Marketplace Morning Report today that will air tomorrow morning. He talked with Tess Vigeland about advertising and patriarchy, marketing to children, and gender roles. As always, he said a lot more than the short segment will relate; as always also, I'm sure it will be interesting.
See if your local station carries MMR and tune in tomorrow. If anyone has a tape recorder or another way to capture the discussion, that would be fantastic. The last time I tried to listen to a segment on my local station, something went haywire and the station didn't carry it. I sure would like to hear (or see a transcript) of this one. It's relevant to what many of us have been talking about lately.
Off to assume my mom role now and pick up my Baby Blogger.
See if your local station carries MMR and tune in tomorrow. If anyone has a tape recorder or another way to capture the discussion, that would be fantastic. The last time I tried to listen to a segment on my local station, something went haywire and the station didn't carry it. I sure would like to hear (or see a transcript) of this one. It's relevant to what many of us have been talking about lately.
Off to assume my mom role now and pick up my Baby Blogger.
Gender Gap in Higher Education
Although the trend exists in many four-year institutions as well, an article in this week's Chronicle of Higher Education focuses specifically on community colleges, where it is more dramatic: student enrollment is about 60-40 in favor of women, and 151 women receive an associate degree for every 100 men. According to the article, some college administrators are asking "if some programs originally designed to make women feel more comfortable have inadvertently alienated men?"
One lens amongst many...
In response to a question put out by Marek J, regarding what defines us as “men” and “women” and the roles we play in the modern world (as part of a larger discussion initiated by Frank Paynter on the roles men might play in supporting feminist leadings) -- my thoughts, for the sake of discussion…
What makes men "men" and women "women"? Well, there is one school of thought that would say: our genetic programming. And there are certainly plenty who argue pretty heatedly with this school of thinking, but I personally find a great deal of value in it, not as an end all be all complete explanation, but simply as one lens among many for examining a complex subject.
According to Evolutionary Psychology, we behave as we do due to an inherent drive to see the continuation and success of our genes. Thus men are programmed to feel the desire to spread their seed to many, not just to one. Thus women are programmed to nurture. Thus men select women who display an aptitude for nurturing (especially if this was an aptitude they saw in their own mothers), and thus women select men who display an aptitude for providing and protecting (especially if this was an aptitude they saw in their own fathers). As modern humans, we struggle to overcome many of these inherent drives -- modern man struggles to resist his urges for cheating; modern woman aspires to be more than just nurturer; and together we aspire to form partnerships based on more than just our genetic make-ups.
Where it becomes complicated is in the reward structures we have woven into modern society. Under capitalism, which also ascribes to the same basic laws of "survival of the fittest," there is little reward or compensation for those inherently female roles, such as being a good nurturer, because there is little value placed on them, which translates to little market value -- both in the cases of motherhood itself and the nurturing professions (teaching, nursing -- both roles in which the best nurturers amongst us should flourish, but both examples of predominantly female roles that are not-coincidentally under-valued and under-compensated). This is likely due to the fact that the "return on investment," so to speak, on nurturing is neither immediate (as we've increasingly come to demand) nor directly attributable. Certain Alpha male behaviors, on the other hand, tend to be both more immediate in their results and more directly attributable. Our capitalist system is run by Alpha males and would not thrive if it were otherwise. Why do men strive to be Alpha? Because then they will be selected by the prime females. Or something to that effect...
At any rate, before we females chastise the Alpha male-dominated capitalist system, we must note the degree to which we reinforce it. We are, all of us, consumers. And many of us are also investors. And managers, and employees, and business owners. And role models. All part of the system -- the macrocosm that embodies everything from the bedroom to the playground to the boardroom.
Another point that I would like to make is about the romanticizing of women. The fact is, power corrupts -- it twists and it taints and it tempts -- and were women at the helm of industry and politics, you can bet that there would be no less corruption nor violence. It might be a little different in form, but it certainly wouldn't be any more a utopia than the world we currently live in. We see plenty of that already -- trouble is, when we see it, we conveniently dismiss these women as behaving like men. Maybe they are; or maybe they are behaving like humans in positions of power. It's hard to say because it shapes itself into a circle.
What's more, women can be incredibly cruel. We don't see it so much because it is far more covert, tends to be smaller scale, and is psychological rather than physical. It's also insidious. Boys, you don't know cruelty unless you've ever been an adolescent girl.
Of course, I can say that, because I'm a woman. If a man said anything of the sort he'd likely be impaled for it. That's the sad reality of politically charged conversations -- you piss off a lot of people if you try to strip away too much of the comfortable bullshit. Women, as a group, are not above reproach, and neither are we simply victims (some are, yes, but those of us who talk about it the most are not). Don't get me wrong -- I'm far from the Camille Paglia school of anti-feminism -- but I think that no real progress comes without balance and objectivity.
And to that end, I really do value spaces such as BlogSisters where women's voices and thoughts can flourish, and I value them all the more in knowing that men are listening in and thinking and learning and responding. There is a balance to be found, and I think we're starting to find it in small spots like this.
In response to a question put out by Marek J, regarding what defines us as “men” and “women” and the roles we play in the modern world (as part of a larger discussion initiated by Frank Paynter on the roles men might play in supporting feminist leadings) -- my thoughts, for the sake of discussion…
What makes men "men" and women "women"? Well, there is one school of thought that would say: our genetic programming. And there are certainly plenty who argue pretty heatedly with this school of thinking, but I personally find a great deal of value in it, not as an end all be all complete explanation, but simply as one lens among many for examining a complex subject.
According to Evolutionary Psychology, we behave as we do due to an inherent drive to see the continuation and success of our genes. Thus men are programmed to feel the desire to spread their seed to many, not just to one. Thus women are programmed to nurture. Thus men select women who display an aptitude for nurturing (especially if this was an aptitude they saw in their own mothers), and thus women select men who display an aptitude for providing and protecting (especially if this was an aptitude they saw in their own fathers). As modern humans, we struggle to overcome many of these inherent drives -- modern man struggles to resist his urges for cheating; modern woman aspires to be more than just nurturer; and together we aspire to form partnerships based on more than just our genetic make-ups.
Where it becomes complicated is in the reward structures we have woven into modern society. Under capitalism, which also ascribes to the same basic laws of "survival of the fittest," there is little reward or compensation for those inherently female roles, such as being a good nurturer, because there is little value placed on them, which translates to little market value -- both in the cases of motherhood itself and the nurturing professions (teaching, nursing -- both roles in which the best nurturers amongst us should flourish, but both examples of predominantly female roles that are not-coincidentally under-valued and under-compensated). This is likely due to the fact that the "return on investment," so to speak, on nurturing is neither immediate (as we've increasingly come to demand) nor directly attributable. Certain Alpha male behaviors, on the other hand, tend to be both more immediate in their results and more directly attributable. Our capitalist system is run by Alpha males and would not thrive if it were otherwise. Why do men strive to be Alpha? Because then they will be selected by the prime females. Or something to that effect...
At any rate, before we females chastise the Alpha male-dominated capitalist system, we must note the degree to which we reinforce it. We are, all of us, consumers. And many of us are also investors. And managers, and employees, and business owners. And role models. All part of the system -- the macrocosm that embodies everything from the bedroom to the playground to the boardroom.
Another point that I would like to make is about the romanticizing of women. The fact is, power corrupts -- it twists and it taints and it tempts -- and were women at the helm of industry and politics, you can bet that there would be no less corruption nor violence. It might be a little different in form, but it certainly wouldn't be any more a utopia than the world we currently live in. We see plenty of that already -- trouble is, when we see it, we conveniently dismiss these women as behaving like men. Maybe they are; or maybe they are behaving like humans in positions of power. It's hard to say because it shapes itself into a circle.
What's more, women can be incredibly cruel. We don't see it so much because it is far more covert, tends to be smaller scale, and is psychological rather than physical. It's also insidious. Boys, you don't know cruelty unless you've ever been an adolescent girl.
Of course, I can say that, because I'm a woman. If a man said anything of the sort he'd likely be impaled for it. That's the sad reality of politically charged conversations -- you piss off a lot of people if you try to strip away too much of the comfortable bullshit. Women, as a group, are not above reproach, and neither are we simply victims (some are, yes, but those of us who talk about it the most are not). Don't get me wrong -- I'm far from the Camille Paglia school of anti-feminism -- but I think that no real progress comes without balance and objectivity.
And to that end, I really do value spaces such as BlogSisters where women's voices and thoughts can flourish, and I value them all the more in knowing that men are listening in and thinking and learning and responding. There is a balance to be found, and I think we're starting to find it in small spots like this.
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
All Hail the Queen of BlogGeeks!
Awesomely articulate Andrea Roceal James is the subject of Frank Paynter's latest intense interview. Since this lovely GeekIcon is my apprentice Crone, I admit a very strong bias. But that's not the only reason I'm so delighted to have her as a Blog Sister. If there's such a thing as an "old soul," she is one of them. Read her interview and see why the world needs more twenty-something females like this Web Monkey Grrr. (And there's photos, too!)
Awesomely articulate Andrea Roceal James is the subject of Frank Paynter's latest intense interview. Since this lovely GeekIcon is my apprentice Crone, I admit a very strong bias. But that's not the only reason I'm so delighted to have her as a Blog Sister. If there's such a thing as an "old soul," she is one of them. Read her interview and see why the world needs more twenty-something females like this Web Monkey Grrr. (And there's photos, too!)
Saturday, June 22, 2002
Treaty for Women's Rights
Following up on Robin's and jfcates' posts below, I have posted a piece on my blog with links to the Treaty site and a call for action. Please feel free to use what I wrote on your own blogs or just steal my links and write your own plea in support of the Treaty.
Following up on Robin's and jfcates' posts below, I have posted a piece on my blog with links to the Treaty site and a call for action. Please feel free to use what I wrote on your own blogs or just steal my links and write your own plea in support of the Treaty.
On Women's Own Voices
I found This Page today, and have listened to Elizabeth Bishop reading Manuelzinho in her own voice, which I found fascinating. Listen and enjoy.
Islam, Conservative Christians and women's rights
In the New York Times this passed week was an editorial piece about the women's rights treaty. An overly graphic tale of an Islam Imman from Pakistan beating his wife until she ran away, and then after she was captured and returned, burning out her vagina with a 240volt charged iron rod, appalled me. What was even scarier is there has been no massive outcry generated from that article.
It is clear to me that the mysoginist attitudes of the Christian Right and their view of family values is very close to the mysoginist attitudes of Moslem fundamentalists. These are control issues built around women as family slave, as property of the master.
My field of work and study deals with images. Our cultural imagery is rife with thin submissive women and over muscled obnoxious men. The other image of men is the federal blue suit, white shirt and red power tie. Attorney John Ashcroft was so uncomfortable with the stone breasts of justice behind him when he talked that he made his department cover the work of art with a federal blue drape.
I am in the story board phase of my next video which will be about images. My first choice for an image is my mother in her wedding gown. It is a very long gown swirling out around her on the floor. Her veil is lifted only because the photo was to convey an after marriage image. The veil is the same veil the Moslem women are under, and it was a Christian veil. So the cultural connection is not that far in our past. Her dress also prevents her from easily walking, let alone running away. Her clothing traps her and conveys that message. Her body is displayed through curve and fold, allowing her maiden image to sexually arouse.
And I will go deeper into those meanings in the video.
America is sick. The country is sick with fear and self loathing. I see it in the bravado of militarism. A handful of whacko freak men managed to kill a few thousand souls whom deserved better. Now the leaders we have squabble over who let the idiots into the country and who let those idiots fly planes into working offices. The sickness is in the greed that opens us to whackos from abroad. And we are not considering the whackos who live here amonst us. Our sickness gives the symptom of whackos. An insidious possibility is that those that knew might have been hoping some sort of action would come so that they could do the very things they have done to take more intensive control in their co-op.
The rest of us are trying to figure out how to be appropriately patriotic, defensive, and still solve the major problems we had before the war on terror made discourse almost impossible. Roe vs. Wade may not be a perfect solution, but it is a far better solution than stoning to death women who have been raped and then accused of infidelity. Universal health care might just spend some money on the indigent. Structuring the economy to provide a living wage as a base might eliminate homelessness, but it would threaten the system of exploitation, too. Having the community raise our children as well as Mom and Dad, might not sell as many refridgerators--and I can witness for myself and my neighbors, the children can eat down all the refridgerators in a block pretty quickly--but global warming may slow down as a result.
Do we have it in us to pressure the congres to ratify the international women's treaty? Just because we already enjoy those privileges it seeks to enforce for all women, does that mean we can let the world's sisters suffer while we watch and use up the resources?
Another thing that has been pissing me off is the slamming of the Green Party, of which I am a member. I am a member because the other party, the Demopublicrats, has forgotten about me in favor of some good old boys who aren't even real, Mr. Inc's. I don't want to spoil elections, I want to win elections. I want Green Victories and the Green Platform.
Oh well, I've said my piece; just another feminine voice of love.
Robin
It is clear to me that the mysoginist attitudes of the Christian Right and their view of family values is very close to the mysoginist attitudes of Moslem fundamentalists. These are control issues built around women as family slave, as property of the master.
My field of work and study deals with images. Our cultural imagery is rife with thin submissive women and over muscled obnoxious men. The other image of men is the federal blue suit, white shirt and red power tie. Attorney John Ashcroft was so uncomfortable with the stone breasts of justice behind him when he talked that he made his department cover the work of art with a federal blue drape.
I am in the story board phase of my next video which will be about images. My first choice for an image is my mother in her wedding gown. It is a very long gown swirling out around her on the floor. Her veil is lifted only because the photo was to convey an after marriage image. The veil is the same veil the Moslem women are under, and it was a Christian veil. So the cultural connection is not that far in our past. Her dress also prevents her from easily walking, let alone running away. Her clothing traps her and conveys that message. Her body is displayed through curve and fold, allowing her maiden image to sexually arouse.
And I will go deeper into those meanings in the video.
America is sick. The country is sick with fear and self loathing. I see it in the bravado of militarism. A handful of whacko freak men managed to kill a few thousand souls whom deserved better. Now the leaders we have squabble over who let the idiots into the country and who let those idiots fly planes into working offices. The sickness is in the greed that opens us to whackos from abroad. And we are not considering the whackos who live here amonst us. Our sickness gives the symptom of whackos. An insidious possibility is that those that knew might have been hoping some sort of action would come so that they could do the very things they have done to take more intensive control in their co-op.
The rest of us are trying to figure out how to be appropriately patriotic, defensive, and still solve the major problems we had before the war on terror made discourse almost impossible. Roe vs. Wade may not be a perfect solution, but it is a far better solution than stoning to death women who have been raped and then accused of infidelity. Universal health care might just spend some money on the indigent. Structuring the economy to provide a living wage as a base might eliminate homelessness, but it would threaten the system of exploitation, too. Having the community raise our children as well as Mom and Dad, might not sell as many refridgerators--and I can witness for myself and my neighbors, the children can eat down all the refridgerators in a block pretty quickly--but global warming may slow down as a result.
Do we have it in us to pressure the congres to ratify the international women's treaty? Just because we already enjoy those privileges it seeks to enforce for all women, does that mean we can let the world's sisters suffer while we watch and use up the resources?
Another thing that has been pissing me off is the slamming of the Green Party, of which I am a member. I am a member because the other party, the Demopublicrats, has forgotten about me in favor of some good old boys who aren't even real, Mr. Inc's. I don't want to spoil elections, I want to win elections. I want Green Victories and the Green Platform.
Oh well, I've said my piece; just another feminine voice of love.
Robin
Friday, June 21, 2002
Two Blog Sisters Meet in Maine
Nothing better than a blog sister hangout day. Halley and Elaine had a day on the beach this week. I'm sure they'll post soon filling us in on the details. They must still be emptying sand out of their shoes. In the mean time, here they are, with Elaine sporting a groovy Blog Sisters' shirt! Where'd you get it Crone? I want one too!
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Sisters Watch Out!
I'd very much like to know how Blog Sisters feel about one of the questions I asked on my site today. Here it is:
3.) What do you think about the alliance of conservative U.S. Christian organizations with Islamic governments (Iran, Libya, Iraq) "to halt the expansion of sexual political protections and rights of gays, women and children at United Nations conferences" (Washington Post article by Colum Lynch, June 17, 2002)?
I'm appalled by this, but will hold my tongue and see what others have to say. What I really wonder is what we can do about it?
I'd very much like to know how Blog Sisters feel about one of the questions I asked on my site today. Here it is:
3.) What do you think about the alliance of conservative U.S. Christian organizations with Islamic governments (Iran, Libya, Iraq) "to halt the expansion of sexual political protections and rights of gays, women and children at United Nations conferences" (Washington Post article by Colum Lynch, June 17, 2002)?
I'm appalled by this, but will hold my tongue and see what others have to say. What I really wonder is what we can do about it?
Monday, June 17, 2002
Blogging in Iran
This is an interesting article from the BBC about how people in Iran are finding freedom on the web where they can't get it in 3-space. Very cool. Let's hope that the Iranian government continues to leave internet access and the web free and uncensored. Heaven knows the people there can use a way to express themselves unhindered.
I don't know much about Iran, but what I do know scares me. I had friends, a brother and a sister, in college who were Iranian. Their family had converted to Christianity and left Iran when they were both young, I assume at least in part because of the danger that decision had put them in. My friend Nagmeh had a scar on her forhead where she had been marked in case she ever tried to return to Iran.
I don't know much about Iran, but what I do know scares me. I had friends, a brother and a sister, in college who were Iranian. Their family had converted to Christianity and left Iran when they were both young, I assume at least in part because of the danger that decision had put them in. My friend Nagmeh had a scar on her forhead where she had been marked in case she ever tried to return to Iran.
This is for Linda -- too long to fit into the comment box...
I have struggled a bit with depression myself, going back to the time I was a teenager. I don't think my depression was anywhere near as extreme as many have to deal with (but it's always so hard to compare -- as you say, it's not tangible, and sometimes you wonder whether you're just being melodramatic). Anyway, back when I was a teenager, that was when I started writing. Writing became a "psychology of survival" for me (a term once used by a friend, which seemed very apt). I wrote a lot of poetry back then, it made my dark, melancholy feelings more tangible, and, perversely, beautiful.
Later, as I began to mature in my coping skills, I distanced myself from writing because I associated it with my depression, and I wanted to get myself out of my head and back into the “real world.” I spent about a year on antidepressants (Paxil/peroxitine), before deciding to cut myself off of them (much to the consternation of my doctor, whom I hadn’t consulted in this decision). The antidepressants worked wonders initially, but I disliked the side effects, which I described at the time as making “looking through my brain feel like trying to see without my glasses” -- they seemed to blur the edges and made me feel slightly stupid. Trying to write a simple essay for school seemed an impossible feat.
However, there was certainly something to the logic behind them, and that’s when I learned to think of my depression not as some dark romantic poetry, but as a simple imbalance of chemicals in my brain. I began to learn how to manipulate my chemistry through things like exercise (endorphins = new chemical to add to the mix), and through keeping a close eye on diet (sugar = impending crashes, caffeine (in moderation) = medicine). I also saw an acupuncturist on a couple occasions, and this worked a small wonder towards revamping my waning energy level, or my “chi” as they called it (aka “get-up-and-go”).
Then I learned to manage what was left through a lot of introspection and learning to understand my psychology (beyond my chemistry), and this I still do. I take note of things which consistently trip off the downward spiral (such as weekends with too much free time and no plans or structure, too much time alone, or allowing myself to become overly tired or hungry), and I make a point to structure my life so that I don’t run into those obstacles -- I keep a very busy life these days, so that free time is something I covet instead of fearing. Free days I structure around exercise -- I’ve learned that part of my depression comes from not having enough channels to release my abundance of mental and physical energy. So I’ve taken up taekwon do, and I avoid the after-work slump by going to my taekwon do classes every evening whether I’m in the mood or not (it’s amazing how difficult it is to feel depressed when you’re walloping the hell out of a bag). I identify things which I know will result in making me feel good (like friends who can make me laugh), and I keep these in the back of my mind as “medicine” to take if I should feel a tinge of depression coming on. I have learned that it’s much easier to manage it preventatively than it is to pull myself out of a pit of despair once I’m in there, so I try really hard to not let myself ever get there.
I remember a conversation I once had in college (which is when it was at its worst) – the guy I was talking to was several years older than me, and I remember talking to him about my depression and asking plaintively whether this would ever go away. And he told me: No. But you will learn to cope with it. And as you do, you will find yourself getting better and better at coping with it. And after a while, you won’t even remember that you’re “coping” anymore.
This is where I’m at now. I sometimes think that my depression is a thing of the past -- just a little melodramatic episode indulged by a less mature self -- but then I’ll relax my “structure” ever so slightly -- I’ll leave myself a long weekend with nothing to do -- and suddenly it will come swooping in with astonishing speed. My chemistry does not change, and yet, I rarely feel a victim to it anymore.
And now I am able to return to writing…which I love like an old friend.
I hope that some of this might be helpful to you – feel free to drop me an email if you want to talk further – though I also know that everyone’s depression is very personal, and what works for one person may not do anything for another. But the trick, I think, is to have faith in yourself and your own resilience and to KNOW that you will get past it -- and don’t, DO NOT allow yourself to get attached to it (this may sound absurd, but it is so true) – and, lastly, think in terms of moving forward through it, not backwards to a time you knew from before.
And of course, miserable beast that it is while you’re in it, you will know yourself so much more deeply once you’re through it. Having to battle with depression made me very much the person I am, and for that I can hardly hate it.
I have struggled a bit with depression myself, going back to the time I was a teenager. I don't think my depression was anywhere near as extreme as many have to deal with (but it's always so hard to compare -- as you say, it's not tangible, and sometimes you wonder whether you're just being melodramatic). Anyway, back when I was a teenager, that was when I started writing. Writing became a "psychology of survival" for me (a term once used by a friend, which seemed very apt). I wrote a lot of poetry back then, it made my dark, melancholy feelings more tangible, and, perversely, beautiful.
Later, as I began to mature in my coping skills, I distanced myself from writing because I associated it with my depression, and I wanted to get myself out of my head and back into the “real world.” I spent about a year on antidepressants (Paxil/peroxitine), before deciding to cut myself off of them (much to the consternation of my doctor, whom I hadn’t consulted in this decision). The antidepressants worked wonders initially, but I disliked the side effects, which I described at the time as making “looking through my brain feel like trying to see without my glasses” -- they seemed to blur the edges and made me feel slightly stupid. Trying to write a simple essay for school seemed an impossible feat.
However, there was certainly something to the logic behind them, and that’s when I learned to think of my depression not as some dark romantic poetry, but as a simple imbalance of chemicals in my brain. I began to learn how to manipulate my chemistry through things like exercise (endorphins = new chemical to add to the mix), and through keeping a close eye on diet (sugar = impending crashes, caffeine (in moderation) = medicine). I also saw an acupuncturist on a couple occasions, and this worked a small wonder towards revamping my waning energy level, or my “chi” as they called it (aka “get-up-and-go”).
Then I learned to manage what was left through a lot of introspection and learning to understand my psychology (beyond my chemistry), and this I still do. I take note of things which consistently trip off the downward spiral (such as weekends with too much free time and no plans or structure, too much time alone, or allowing myself to become overly tired or hungry), and I make a point to structure my life so that I don’t run into those obstacles -- I keep a very busy life these days, so that free time is something I covet instead of fearing. Free days I structure around exercise -- I’ve learned that part of my depression comes from not having enough channels to release my abundance of mental and physical energy. So I’ve taken up taekwon do, and I avoid the after-work slump by going to my taekwon do classes every evening whether I’m in the mood or not (it’s amazing how difficult it is to feel depressed when you’re walloping the hell out of a bag). I identify things which I know will result in making me feel good (like friends who can make me laugh), and I keep these in the back of my mind as “medicine” to take if I should feel a tinge of depression coming on. I have learned that it’s much easier to manage it preventatively than it is to pull myself out of a pit of despair once I’m in there, so I try really hard to not let myself ever get there.
I remember a conversation I once had in college (which is when it was at its worst) – the guy I was talking to was several years older than me, and I remember talking to him about my depression and asking plaintively whether this would ever go away. And he told me: No. But you will learn to cope with it. And as you do, you will find yourself getting better and better at coping with it. And after a while, you won’t even remember that you’re “coping” anymore.
This is where I’m at now. I sometimes think that my depression is a thing of the past -- just a little melodramatic episode indulged by a less mature self -- but then I’ll relax my “structure” ever so slightly -- I’ll leave myself a long weekend with nothing to do -- and suddenly it will come swooping in with astonishing speed. My chemistry does not change, and yet, I rarely feel a victim to it anymore.
And now I am able to return to writing…which I love like an old friend.
I hope that some of this might be helpful to you – feel free to drop me an email if you want to talk further – though I also know that everyone’s depression is very personal, and what works for one person may not do anything for another. But the trick, I think, is to have faith in yourself and your own resilience and to KNOW that you will get past it -- and don’t, DO NOT allow yourself to get attached to it (this may sound absurd, but it is so true) – and, lastly, think in terms of moving forward through it, not backwards to a time you knew from before.
And of course, miserable beast that it is while you’re in it, you will know yourself so much more deeply once you’re through it. Having to battle with depression made me very much the person I am, and for that I can hardly hate it.
Saturday, June 15, 2002
Can there be anything worse than the label "newbie"...
I ask you, as I sit here trembling in delight attempting to make my first (oh, I HOPE this isn't my only) entry to Blog Sisters. I am so tickled to be found worthy to be invited by Elaine to join you. In the few days since my discovery of your blog alliance I've found the entries here and at the Sister sites to be inciteful and more than a little intimidating.
Most of you seem to be professionals well into your careers. I admire and in many ways envy that. I, on the other hand, am a stay-at-home mom. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can already hear your statements, "there's nothing wrong with that, you are just as valid in your choices as the rest of us..." but (can you here that echo?) but, it's not choice that places me here. I worked for many years before I had my youngest son. I worked my way up the ranks in a small independent bank. I felt my career was well in hand (not one I really *wanted* but sometimes you settle, right?). Then an illness struck me that I've fought for the last 7 years.
Um, no, not the "C" word. Don't I wish it were that simple. (Don't get me wrong here, I know cancer is devistating, but at least there's something tangible you can find with an X-ray, MRI or other diagnostic tools) Depression took over my life, deflated my ego and has laid me out. It's part of why I joined Blogger in the first place. I needed a place I could share my emotions and frustration at this fleeting, intangible illness. I wanted to fight, to find the Linda I was when I was 25, the strong and vital woman I know is hiding in this cringing mass of fear and frustration.
The crazy thing is, and I use the term "crazy" rather loosely here :-D, my on-line life, Blogger and a couple of writers' groups I've joined, has helped me find a Linda that I didn't even know existed. She's still strong, maybe not as vital as she was 15 years ago, but she's working on it. But there's this love for putting my own words out there for others to look at (and hopefully admire :-), of which I didn't know I was capable. I'm still fighting to climb from this quagmire of self-doubt and self-despite. I remind myself daily that it's not me, it's what's going on in my brain, and I try to find the little victories every day (Yesterday the little one used the potty 3 times and remembered to poop in it once...now THAT is a victory around here :-D ).
I also add my attempt to reach out, and Elaine's subsequent invitation to join you, as a victory too! I hope that by being drawn into a community of woman like yourselves, I can look at each of you, the beauty each of you offer to the world, your ideas for dealing with the ugliness, and find that ability, that beauty in myself. I want to draw it out and show it like a precious jewel...
Oh my and ewww...sorry for spewing that bit of fluff there...but it is true. :-) I want to draw out all that is good in myself and share it as best I can in an adverse situation. Thank you again, Elaine, for the invitation {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs all my new Blog Sisters}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and thank you Jennifer for pointing the way here.
Most of you seem to be professionals well into your careers. I admire and in many ways envy that. I, on the other hand, am a stay-at-home mom. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can already hear your statements, "there's nothing wrong with that, you are just as valid in your choices as the rest of us..." but (can you here that echo?) but, it's not choice that places me here. I worked for many years before I had my youngest son. I worked my way up the ranks in a small independent bank. I felt my career was well in hand (not one I really *wanted* but sometimes you settle, right?). Then an illness struck me that I've fought for the last 7 years.
Um, no, not the "C" word. Don't I wish it were that simple. (Don't get me wrong here, I know cancer is devistating, but at least there's something tangible you can find with an X-ray, MRI or other diagnostic tools) Depression took over my life, deflated my ego and has laid me out. It's part of why I joined Blogger in the first place. I needed a place I could share my emotions and frustration at this fleeting, intangible illness. I wanted to fight, to find the Linda I was when I was 25, the strong and vital woman I know is hiding in this cringing mass of fear and frustration.
The crazy thing is, and I use the term "crazy" rather loosely here :-D, my on-line life, Blogger and a couple of writers' groups I've joined, has helped me find a Linda that I didn't even know existed. She's still strong, maybe not as vital as she was 15 years ago, but she's working on it. But there's this love for putting my own words out there for others to look at (and hopefully admire :-), of which I didn't know I was capable. I'm still fighting to climb from this quagmire of self-doubt and self-despite. I remind myself daily that it's not me, it's what's going on in my brain, and I try to find the little victories every day (Yesterday the little one used the potty 3 times and remembered to poop in it once...now THAT is a victory around here :-D ).
I also add my attempt to reach out, and Elaine's subsequent invitation to join you, as a victory too! I hope that by being drawn into a community of woman like yourselves, I can look at each of you, the beauty each of you offer to the world, your ideas for dealing with the ugliness, and find that ability, that beauty in myself. I want to draw it out and show it like a precious jewel...
Oh my and ewww...sorry for spewing that bit of fluff there...but it is true. :-) I want to draw out all that is good in myself and share it as best I can in an adverse situation. Thank you again, Elaine, for the invitation {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs all my new Blog Sisters}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and thank you Jennifer for pointing the way here.
Friday, June 14, 2002
You Can't Have Love and Patriarchy.
I was going to post this here, but I'm hoping men will read if it's on my own blog.
I was going to post this here, but I'm hoping men will read if it's on my own blog.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Invasive species, genetic manipulation, "daughterlessness"
Here is an article from New Scientist that I came across last month. I find it upsetting on so many levels that I am unable to comment.
Indie Brides?
From NPR "Type-A "Bridezillas" often insist on the "perfect" white wedding, with flower petals and bridesmaids' hair colored the same shade. But some women are trying to thwart the wedding industrial complex with wedding potlucks and a dress from Goodwill. Now there's a cottage industry to accommodate the indie bride, replete with Web sites, books and even therapists." Listen to this quite interesting audio. If I get married, this is how it's going.
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Helping Pregnant Girls Make it through High School
My dear Adam sent me this interesting article about a high school in Sydney that's making significant efforts toward aiding pregnant teenagers in finishing out high school. This is a really forward thinking idea, and I salute it. It's tough enough to make it through high school without a kid. Helping young mothers (rather than shaming them or ignoring them so that they drop out) benefits not only the girls, but the children who are dependent on them.
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