laying between sweaty cats, with my window wide open to free some of my emotions into the night sky.
so many things.
i dreamed of a place where you had to lay down on the ground to move into different rooms. i found two old silver frames in an antique store, both too expensive to buy. my father and i walked together. my mother, sorting through collections of old objects, was followed by large black spiders.
i awoke and found my fingers so swollen that they wouldn't move. it was 4:23pm. i clothed myself, and entered the loungeroom. suzi and bronwyn, sprawled over the couch, laughing and full with life. i was there, amongst them, it.
jelousy is a mean thing.
it just sits under my ribs.
the anger, it's there too.
why are they so beautiful? why can't i be? why can't i have what they have, why couldn't i have had those opportunities? why is my body so broken and theirs is so beautiful?
i just wrote a list of my loves. i erased it, because it just seems so redundant to write a list of loves, because there's so many of you. but some of you, you know who you are. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH. you know who you are. some of you are here in my house, in my prescence, some of you are in my heart, but you live across the ocean. it's our ocean. we share it. no matter where you are, i love you.
the smell of a cat who's just come in from the cold is beauty.