Saturday, August 02, 2003

Alert! Feminine Straight Boys Unite Against Defamation And Niche Marketing!

(Greetings blog sisters, this is my first post. It is in response to an article I read on MSN about how "feminine" heterosexual males are seen as a niche market. Since all my male friends seem to be men of this type, I wrote this article for them. Regular readers of my blog know of my attraction to gay men and my constant lament that there aren't more of them in my life. Thought I'd explain the context this was written in, so you would understand what I'm talking about. My blog is www.piratecafe.blogspot.com)

Since I seem to be some kind of fag-hag for men who seem like they might be gay, but are unfortunately all too straight, I thought I should help disseminate some information that concerns you gentlemen intimately. It has to do with that thing in your pants. Yep, look out, they're after your wallet. Hands off I say!

I learned all about it in this article. I call you femme-straight boy, but they call you "metrosexual," a niche market-cum-identity. The future of masculinity has already been mapped out and it leads down the road of financial excess, as one would expect, with low self-esteem and high credit-card debt as the destination. Don't go there.

"Curiosity about metrosexuals climbed considerably in June when Euro RSCG Worldwide, a marketing communications agency based in New York City and more than 200 other cities, explored the changing face of American males in a report titled The Future of Men: USA." According to the article in MSN linked here.

"The Future of Men report noted, "One of the telltale signs of metrosexuals is their willingness to indulge themselves, whether by springing for a Prada suit or spending a couple of hours at a spa to get a massage and facial." They might devote an afternoon to choosing their ultrafashionable attire for the night. They may don an apron and prepare a mean and meatless pasta dish for friends."

Admittedly, my group of femme straight boy friends is not so Gucci. (A word my spell-check surprisingly knows how to spell...) I can't see any of you springing for a Prada suit. The point is, you've been discovered and now you're being marketed to. Beware the fate of Punk, which is available now on discount at Ross in a number of ensembles perfect for day-to-evening casual office wear. If you go to the Juniors aisle in girls fashion, you will see clothes that belong to every subculture I've ever been part of mass-produced in china and being sold to your local seventh grader. (Trust me I've been there.) No need to comb through Salvation Army racks for leopard print and pink fake fur. Its all been done for you.

Me: "Is nothing sacred?"

Ross: "Compare at:"

"Metrosexual men "are very secure in their sexuality," says Brown. "They're comfortable getting a facial or a pedicure. It doesn't make them feel any less masculine or any less heterosexual." (This quoted from the same MSN article.)

No, to my great disappointment, the only dick they suck is that of the capitalist ruling class. Metrosexuals, you're getting fucked in the ass.

Friends, don't let this sorry fate befall you. If facials are what you like come over to my house and we can do something natural and inexpensive with yogurt and green clay. You know you would rather hang around and gossip with me while sewing our own clothes than blow your wad on some ridiculous Prada suit. And forget the spa, I'll give you a much more therapeutic massage.

You look great, don't change.

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