Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Have you ever? Of course I have.

I wrote this recently because I'm hyper-sensitive about what I look like now and what I will look like then. It's a natural phenomenon, right? I'm not vain for worrying what my appearances look like when my insides are all cancered up. Right.

Here's the thing, I made a big stink about the reaction the Boy had to Jerry Lewis' physical change. Yeah, he gained weight. 45 pounds from medication to be exact. I'm a bit more sensitive especially since I thought my eating disorder days were over. Then in the past couple of years, it's starting to slowly act up again. I wasn't hiding my eating habits more so because I didn't care. I just cared about not throwing up on myself with the smell of certain things such as bagaong that I usually love eating, it's just the smell I couldn't handle.

When the Boy expressed his shock tonight, I freaked out. It doesn't help that I've been secretly hiding the fact that I only eat decent meals when we're together. He caught on weeks ago he said, he just didn't say anything until last night. What the hell am I supposed to so say? Admit that I hate eating real meals when I'm alone because it just isn't the same? That I can only eat when there's at least one person around me? I end up getting so hungry I graze all day on fruits and crackers, and yes I haven't learned my lesson because my cravings for junk food are even stronger than ever.

Now that my nearby future just might bring me back to my weekly diet of saltines and peanut butter (I survived my second round on this stuff), I wonder what the Boy will say to that. If I lose/gain a significant amount, will he freak out the same as he did tonight? I'm a thousand times even more self conscious now that I've seen a glimpse of his reaction. He's in for a disturbing sight, especially since the last cycle had me with skin rashes, globs of hair everywhere else but my head, nausea, moody, sleeping marathons, and last but not least this major depression. Depression not because I am battling breast cancer but because I won't look the way I wanted to: good.

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