Sunday, August 11, 2002

Anger is a healthy emotion and should always be expressed

Okay so I have been depressed the pass few days--well actually depressed and angry. See, my sister and my little brother were supposed to come to FL to see me this weekend as you all know. I haven't seen my sister since 98 and she has never met my Dalton. So when she called me Friday evening--a few hours before I was expecting her--to tell me that her and Michael decided to spend the weekend at the beach I was just a tad bit annoyed. Of course at the time I said oh don't worry about it, its okay, I understand. Now after having time to think about it I just got plain old pissed. My mother did the same thing to me earlier this month. She was supposed to come down for a week but when I called her a few days before she was to leave I was told that she already took her vacation time earlier that month. My older brother once again, lost his job and need a place to stay so my mother went looking for a place where they could both live. So once again, I was placed on the back burner while something else--more important--was taken care of. I know that sounds kind of selfish but this has been happening all my life. My mother walked out in the middle of my high school play--which I was the lead--because she promised her friends she would met them for a drink at a certain time. She never even showed up for the other 3 I was in either. For months before my first dance performance she promised she would be there and she knew how excited I was. 20 minutes before I had to be there she tells me she cant go because Jack wants to go curtain shopping. When my sister graduated they made a huge deal of it. They got her presents and took her out to dinner and going to the ceremony was a huge deal. When Corrie dropped out of school was so upset because she would never be able to see him walk across the stage. When I graduate I never hear a congrats or got a present and no one even asked if I was going to walk or not. Well, with the lack of excitement about my graduation I just never walked across the stage--just had my diploma mailed to me. There are a million examples I could give--sorry if I sound like I am whining about it but this is anger that has been building up for years and well, I am tired of being the one to say its all right its okay I understand because I don't understand and I do care and no its not all right anymore. I guess this weekend was just the straw that broke the camels back and Christina is not going to take this crap anymore.
I bet you are wondering--hmmmm where's the smile thought. Well, I am getting to that trust me.
This weekend I realized two things. One--its time I let my family know that I will no longer sit quietly on that back burner anymore. I am an important wonderful person and if they cant see that then I don't need them in my life right now. It is time that I tell them exactly how I feel. I need to say "hey this isn't right its not fair," they need to know that I am angry at them and I am going to stay angry until they realize what they have been doing to me all these years and start to make up for it. I have always been there for them. I was the one telling them that they are good people and that they don't need to be so depressed about whatever situation is happening because they can get through it. Now, its my turn. The only time anyone ever showed any emotions for me or put me first was when I was throwing up all the time. I shouldn't have to make myself sick to get love from my family. I have been so upset about my family lately that I have actually went back to my old ways for a few days here and there. Then I realized that I am killing myself to get their love. Screw that. If they cant see how wonderful the Super Cow is then they can just go stick their head in some old moldy melted cheese for all I care.
Now here is where the smile though comes in. While I realizing that my family sucked I also realized how great my new family is. I have been crying off and on since Friday. My son, my wonderful son, has shown me how much compassion he has even at this young of an age. Every time he saw me crying he would crawl up in my lap give me a big hug, babble something in baby talk and then sit down and watch t.v all cuddled up with me. When my husband saw how upset I was--he waited until I went to sleep that night and then ran out and got me a dozen roses and my favorite flavor of ice cream. When I woke up I found a note that said "You will always come first with us. We love you so much and know how important you are to everything we do. Love Doug and Dalton--your two crazy boys." Then Saturday my mother in law came over and asked if she could take Dalton to the store with her. Of course I said yes and just threw some cloths on him and brushed his hair really quick. When she came back a few hours later she presented me with a disk of pictures of Dalton. She had taken him to Walmart to get some pictures of him as a surprise for me. She said that she knew I was planning to take Dalton anyway when my sister came down so she thought that getting them done would make me feel better--and it did. I will be getting 4 8x10s of my son in different poses on the 28th but until then I have 7 on a disk. She even got a CD with a program on it so I can make these pictures into a screen saver--which I have already done. If anyone wants to see these pictures just email me at moocows132@aol.com and I will send some of them your way.
So while I am still upset about my side of the family I must say I am so happy to know that I married into a family that shows everyone so much love. It also feels great to know that they see me as an important part of their lives. Everyone needs to feel important and loved--thank God I finally feel that.
Christina

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