Tuesday, June 04, 2002

Too old, too blind, and a career up in smoke before it began

With the economy in a continued recession, even if our media keeps telling us it's improving, and an even worse recession in my own household, it occured to me that our country could provide some interesting and mutually beneficial employment opportunities!

I mean, after all, they need to hire 900 FBI special agents. And what kind of skills does a special agent need to have? Good research skills? Got it! Project management skills? Got that, too! multi-tasking and dealing with difficult clients? Got that in droves! I was MADE for the FBI, my husband, too! All this, I figured out, while driving to work at my on-its-last-venture-dollar dot com. Upon arrival, in my excitement, I brought up the official FBI Web page. Yup, there it was, 900 honest-to-goodness, real live job openings. We want YOU, it seemed to say. We NEED you! I could do something for my country, travel to exotic places, know about important stuff before it happens...I could already picture dropping off my little girl with grandma, "I'll be in touch," I'd whisper, "I'm afraid that's all I can say right now. Take care of Phoebe." It would be hard, but fulfilling. I began reading the description before me. OK, OK , so the pay is a bit low, but I could be a higher paid Intelligence agent. After all, I'm intelligent! Oh, wait. There's a whole page of requirements. Uh oh, here we go. So, apparently, only current or prior government employees are eligible. Well that's a problem off the bat, but what if, I thought, at least let's keep reading...

Well, it turns out, you must be between the ages of 23 and 37 to qualify for the FBI. And that's not all. There are a few other limitations. Just a few. Your eye site CAN NOT be any worse than 20/200 in one eye (So, at 20/600 in both, even if I was still 23...) your hearing must be damn near perfect, (I'm sorry, what did you say?) and, while you CAN have smoked marijuana ("The FBI undestands that many Americans may have experimented during their youths...", you CAN NOT have smoked it more than 15 times in your lifetime (Oh well, that's the clincher! If it hadn't been for that 16th time!). My dream, slashed before my CRD-exhausted eyes!

Let's just hope the FBI can find 900 23-37 year-old damn near perfect -seeing, perfect -hearing, lilly -white smart individuals who can smoke out terrorists!!

We're doomed, are we not???

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